One of those days.....

My apologies, in advance, that this post is going to be less-than-vivacious and happy. You see, I'm having a 'mental health day', and not the GOOD mental health day where you take the day off, go to the spa to clear your mind, and treat yourself to all the spa deliciousness you can indulge in. This is a BAD 'mental health day'. Depression has become my friend, my constant companion today and I can't seem to shake it. It all started when I went to the pharmacy to get my daily prescriptions filled, and I realized, that I was handing over 12 different prescriptions all at once. You name the illness, I take a pill for it. And they're not 'minor' illnesses where you take a pill for a few weeks and you're as good as gold. These are years after years, day after day, taking handfuls of pills every morning, noon and night types of illnesses. I'm not looking for pity here....oh no....not at all. I've come to accept that this particular area of my life is my 'cross to bear' and on most days, I'm ok with it. But today....well....not so much. My health - physical, mental and emotional health - is a balancing act. And some days, I just get tired of it all.

And then, it all starts to flood in....it takes over the rational, logical side of my brain and I find myself with the weight of the world, on my shoulders.....I'm alone....no relationship in sight....I'm closing in on 36 and my biological clock is ticking constantly and LOUDLY. I'm sick, again, with the flu this time, and a sinus infection that has taken up permanent, unwelcomed residence in my sinus cavities. And apparently, from my symptoms, its getting worse....and quickly. I have chronic illnesses that I will most likely have to deal with for the rest of my life. I have more physician specialists than best friends. I'm seeing 2 of them in the next 2 days. I see them so often, that I've come to consider some of them as extended family. They are the guardians of my health and I hug them all after each of my visits. I am blessed to have such wonderful doctors who care for me, but I guess the fact that I have SO many of them, starts to crank up the old depression factor, and it just takes over my brain.

At the same time, I think of my Mom.....her struggles with surviving breast cancer, her constant excruciating pain from degenerative discs in her back, the fact that she's just told me tonight that she will be needing to buy a cane to help her walk. And then I feel all the more horrible than before. Horrible, because in the light of day, my struggles seem so insignificant in comparison to what my Mom is dealing with. She amazes me, as she struggles through her pain, every waking moment of her day, and is still able to live a full life of friends, work, family. I honestly don't know how she does it. She is my hero. And I feel so insignificant, health-wise, when I look at her and her medical struggles. She tells me (just like a wonderful Mom would) that we cannot compare our situations, because every situation is different; she tells me that she feels the pain of MY medical struggles, just as I feel the pain of HERS. And this makes me pause....pause to hope, wish and pray that somehow, somewhere, we could just snap our fingers and make it all go away. Where is a fairy medical godmother when you need one?

But that's just it....there is NO fairy godmother.......so we have to keep "fighting the good fight". Putting one foot in front of the other. I thought (or rather, hoped) that by writing about my severe depression today, I would somehow have the veil of sadness lifted. But all I've been able to do is receive a bit of clarity....Clarity isn't a bad thing....it helps bring me back to the rational/logical side of my brain, and helps me to remember all of the things in my life that I have to be grateful for. It doesn't wipe away the depression, but it DOES give me something to think about that might just balance out the depression just a bit.....I need that. Especially after the conversation with my Mom, where she felt it necessary to ask me if I was having any suicidal thoughts. My heart aches that my Mom would know me so well, that she needs to ask me this every once in a while. My heart aches that my Mom would need to worry about this possibility. But I tell her "I'm Ok". Which of course she doesnt believe, but i AM able to tell her that the suicidal thoughts aren't there. Something to be thankful for. I've dealt with those demons before, many many times, and I DO know what to do, should they resurface. But thankfully, today is NOT one of those days. Just your 'run of the mill' depression that I fight with from time to time.

So like I said....this wasn't going to be a fun, traveling the world, kind of post.....it can't always be that kind of day. But I do know this.....when I started this blog, I swore to myself that it would always be a brutally honest accounting of my life....the good, the bad, the joy, the sorrow, the adventures, and the mundane.....There is power in stating and acknowledging things as they TRULY are. And I want to take back some of that power.....I've given that power away, along with parts of my spirit and soul, for way too long.....

So for now, I'm just going to sit with this feeling.....acknowledge it and try to move forward. And remember...."Tomorrow is another day...".