Sometimes.....

Sometimes......its not about traveling....its about standing still. Utterly still. So still that you believe that the heaviness in your body, your heart, your soul, would keep gale force winds from moving you a single inch. I feel like my feet have been anchored in concrete slabs and I believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to change for the better. And yes, inevitably things do, in fact, change. But I feel I am nowhere near that moment. I try to explain to those close to me, what it feels like inside....how my soul feels like a dark abyss of a black hole, and how my soul, quite literally, feels the need to vomit.....but no amount of adjectives or visionary words can get them to understand. And what I want is for them to understand more than anything, because it is these few people, and these alone, who are the reasons I use to convince my soul to not wish to end this existence. I make decisions, most recently out of sheer desperation for the basics of living, and yet even though these are the best decisions I can make at the time, I am still haunted by the thoughts and judgements of those who are the very same people whom I am choosing to live for. I am doing the one thing that